Matt Heffernan's "South Park" Page

NOTE: The third season brought back the obligatory lessons, so they will be documented below.

Episode 301: Rainforest Schmainforest
Premiere:
April 7, 1999
Plot:
A choir group, "Getting Gay With Kids," visits South Park to recruit more kids for their upcoming concert in Costa Rica for the benefit of the rain forests. The boys are forced to join by Mr. Mackey as a punishment for their unruly behavior in class. In Costa Rica, they leave the "comfort" of the capital to take a tour of a nearby rain forest. Their guide is eventually devoured by a snake, and they are stranded. Cartman goes off on his own and finds some friendly American land developers. They rescue the rest of the group and everybody learns that the rain forest is a horrible place and not worth saving at all.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Struck by lightning, BUT is revived and survives the rest of the show (a "South Park" first).
Obligatory Lesson:
MISS STEVENS (choir director): ...I was wrong. F**k the rainforest! I f**king hate it! I f**king hate it!
STAN: Oh, now she figures it out.
References

Episode 302: Spontaneous Combustion
Premiere:
April 14, 1999
Plot:
An epidemic of spontaneous human combustion hits South Park, and Mr. Marsh is assigned the task of discovering the cause. He notices that many of the victims are in the early stages of a romantic relationship, and therefore not flatulating. This retention of gas causes an eventual internal explosion that instantly and completely burns the person away. He encourages everybody to fart as much as possible, to prevent gas buildup -- but with all the extra methane in the atmosphere, there is a severe greenhouse effect. Mr. Marsh comes up with a final solution: gas should be released in moderation and only when it is necessary to prevent combustion.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
See title of episode.
Obligatory Lesson:
STAN: ...I learned something from the stations of the cross.
MR. MARSH: What?
STAN: See, at first Jesus was all like "Why Me?" and he was all pissed off and stuff. But then he saw that what mattered most was everybody else. So he stopped thinking about his own misery and did what had to be done...
References

Episode 303: Chef's Mama (a.k.a. "Succubus")
Premiere:
April 21, 1999
Plot:
Chef has a new woman enter his life, and he no longer has much time to spend with the boys. He then decides to marry her and get a new job, leaving the school cafeteria to be run by other employees of South Park Elementary. The boys soon discover that the soon-to-be Mrs. Chef is actually an evil Succubus that intends to devour Chef's soul once they get married. At the wedding, the boys reveal the Succubus and sing her favorite song backwards, sending her back into hell. Chef sees that she was indeed sucking the soul from his body and he returns to his old job.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Crushed by the Succubus.
Obligatory Lesson:
CHEF: ...(sings) Sometimes you fall in love/ and you think you'll feel that way forever./ You change your life and ignore your friends/ 'cause you think it can't get any better./ But then love goes away./ No matter what, it doesn't stay as strong./ And then you're left with nothing/ 'cause you're thinkin' with your dong./ So watch out for that lover./ It can destroy like a typhoon wind./ Be very cool, and don't be a fool...
MR. GARRISON: And never let poontang come between you and your friend.
CHEF: Damn right, Garrison.
References

Episode 305: Jakovasaurs
Premiere:
June 16, 1999
Plot:
Cartman finds a strange, yet annoying, creature in the woods. The boys get Jimbo and Ned to capture it, and they show it to the rest of South Park. It is determined that it is a Jakovasaur -- a species long thought to be extinct. The creature's mate arrives and Mephesto helps them reproduce, creating a multitude of little, annoying, loud creatures. Everybody in South Park, except Cartman, despises the creatures and tries to get them to move to Memphis. Cartman convinces them to stay, so the Mayor gets them to enter a fake game show. There, the Mayor gives away a trip to France to the Jakovasaurs. Upon arriving in France, they are accepted and revered for their Jerry Lewis-like antics.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Mauled by a bear.
Obligatory Lesson:
MAYOR: ...You see, animal species come and go. It's all part of natural evolution.
JIMBO: The Jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical.
NED: [In a clear voice] We can't go around saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course.
JIMBO: Ned, that voice box sucks!
NED: I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.
References

Episode 304: Tweek vs. Craig
Premiere:
June 23, 1999
Plot:
While the boys are in shop class, they decide to get Tweek and Craig to fight each other. Meanwhile, Kenny avoids the whole mess by taking Home Economics instead. The boys schedule the fight for after school, so that it isn't disrupted by the shop teacher (Mr. Adler), who is still mourning the tragic death of his former fiancée. Tweek and Craig, it turns out, do not know how to fight. Cartman takes Craig to learn sumo, and Stan takes Tweek to learn boxing. At the re-match, the fight is carried into the shop room, which aborts Mr. Adler's attempt at a Batman-style suicide.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Caught in a power saw and flung into a box of rusty nails.
Obligatory Lesson:
THE LATE MRS. ADLER: ...Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spend together that really matters -- not how we left it.
MR. ADLER: You, you're right.
References

Canned Ham: South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
Premiere:
June 26, 1999
Plot:
Part of Comedy Central's series of film-promotion shows. Of course, they have special interest in this film. They had interviews with creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, along with Isaac Hayes, executive producer Deborah Liebling, and part of the animation staff. Also included were clips from the new feature, the original shorts, and the pilot episode.

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)
Theatrical Premiere:
June 30, 1999
Plot:
The boys start swearing profusely after watching the Terrance and Phillip movie: "Asses of Fire." This causes Mrs. Broflovski to start a campaign against all things Canadian. The U.S. and Canada engage in war, while the children of South Park form a resistance movement.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Burnt while lighting a fart, buried in salt, and heart transplanted with a baked potato.
Full Review at FilmHead.com
References

Episode 306: Sexual Harassment Panda
Premiere:
July 7, 1999
Plot:
Mr. Garrison invites the Sexual Harassment Panda to his class to tell them about the laws concerning sexual harassment in school. During the presentation, Stan calls Cartman a dirty name with sexual connotations, prompting Cartman to sue him. After winning the case and getting half of Stan's possessions, Cartman's lawyer, Mr. Broflovski, advises him to sue the school so that they can get some serious money. This starts a barrage of litigation, with all parties being represented by Mr. Broflovski, who is profiting handsomely. Kyle becomes very disillusioned with his father's money lust, and gets the boys to go to the Island of Misfit Mascots to bring back the Panda, who was banished there. They convince him to become the Don't Sue People Panda and then they take him to the courthouse to end the case of Everybody vs. Everybody. Mr. Broflovski learns his lesson just in time to keep everybody from suing him to get their money back.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Chopped to bits by a fan while holding a powerful magnet.
Obligatory Lesson:
MR. BROFLOVSKI: ...All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and too easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
PANDA: Don't Sue People Panda
MR. BROFLOVSKI: Yeah, well, whatever. So, let's not sue anyone again. OK, come on guys. Let's go get some ice cream!
References

Episode 307: Cat Orgy
Premiere:
July 14, 1999
Plot:
NOTE: This is the first episode in a series that follows each boy individually on the same night.
Cartman's mother goes to a meteor shower party at Mr. Mackey's and hires Shelly to babysit him. Against Mrs. Cartman's rules, Shelly invites her 22-year-old boyfriend, Skyler, to the house. When Shelly doesn't put out, Skyler dumps her. Instead of blackmailing her, Cartman decides to help Shelly get revenge on Skyler. While they go to his house and destroy his guitar, Cartman's kitty, who is in heat, throws an orgy in the empty house. When Cartman and Shelly get back, the house is a mess, but luckily, Mrs. Cartman is too drunk to notice when she arrives shortly after.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Kenny does not appear in this episode. This is the first time -- unless you count "Not Without My Anus".
This is the first episode in a series that follows each boy individually on the same night.
Obligatory Lesson:
SHELLY: Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause I'm too ugly.
CARTMAN: You're not ugly.
SHELLY: You don't think so?
CARTMAN: Well, you're pretty ugly, but you don't have to be dating 22-year-olds. I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year-old girls?
SHELLY: You're right, he is a scumbag...
References

Episode 308: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Premiere:
July 21, 1999
Plot:
Stan's parents take him to the same party from the last episode. Of course, Cartman is being babysat by Shelly, and Kyle and Kenny aren't at the party either. Mr. Mackey sends Stan to his basement, which has become the "Kids' Room". Down there are Pip, and two other kids named Butters and Dougie. Stan doesn't want to play with these "melvins" and wants to go upstairs. The other three find a box of women's clothes and decide to play "Charlie's Angels", but they need a Bosley to give them a mission. Stan reluctantly accepts and tells them to find a way out. They find an air duct, and they escape. They climb their way to the bedroom, where they see on TV that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms has surrounded a house that allegedly contains a suicide cult. Stan looks out the window and sees the ATF in front of the house they are in. They try going out to talk to the ATF, but they start shooting immediately. Instead, they try making a videotape about what was really going on in the house to convince them. Butters slides down a rope to a reporter outside, and gives him the tape. The reporter stops the impending incineration of the house, and the ATF squad leader tells his men that it was just a drill.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Kenny did not appear in this episode (see Episode 307).
Obligatory Lesson:
STAN: ...I used to call you guys "melvins", but you're just kids, like me. We separate you in school because you talk different, or you study too hard. But we've proven tonight that we can all get along.
BUTTERS: So, you mean we can stay friends, Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?
KYLE: [Suddenly appears] Dude! I'm glad to see you! You would not believe the night I had.
STAN: You? You think you had a bad night? I've been hanging out all night with these friggin' melvins!
References

Episode 309: Jewbilee
Premiere:
July 28, 1999
Plot:
Kyle and Ike are sent to Jewbilee while their parents go to the meteor shower party. They let Kyle bring Kenny along, as long as Kenny pretends to be Jewish while he's there. The Jew Scouts don't take kindly to non-Jews joining their ranks. The camp is led by elders from different sects of Judaism. A representative from the "Anti-Semitic" sect is cast out for favoring the prophet Haman over Moses. While the rest of the elders summon Moses from their campfire, the anti-Semite hatches a plan to trap Moses' spirit in a conch shell, just as Haman once did. The spirit of Moses sees that Kenny is not a real Jew, and demands that he leaves. Then, the anti-Semite captures the fiery embodiment of Moses in a conch shell (which just happened to be lying around in the Rockies) and summons Haman to destroy the rest of the Jews. Kenny heroically breaks the shell open with his head, releasing Moses to defeat Haman, and sacrificing himself for those who had rejected him.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Fatally traumatized while head-butting a conch shell.
Obligatory Lesson:
KYLE: It's fine to have your own beliefs, and your own traditions, but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways, only because of their race, you become separatists. And being a separatist sucks ass!
References

A "South Park" Tribute to "Monty Python"
Premiere:
October 9, 1999 - on BBC2 (British Television)
Plot:
Matt and Trey hosted a segment of a "Monty Python" tribute. They remade the famous "dead parrot" sketch using Kyle as the storekeeper, and Cartman the dissatisfied customer, who returns a dead Kenny (whom he had recently purchased). Cartman is lifted out of the shop by a cut-out animation of Terry Gilliam. Cut back to Matt and Trey, and they express their appreciation for Gilliam's work. In order to get him to do "South Park", they hold his mother hostage.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
D.O.A.

Episode 312: Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery
Premiere:
October 27, 1999
Plot:
It's Halloween in South Park again, and all is not well. Father Maxi denounces the holiday as evil, and expresses his disgust in inviting the band Korn to perform, which could only compound the evil that day. Korn and the rest of South Park start seeing pirate ghosts (or are they ghost pirates?) around the pier, making the concert a distinct impossibility. With the help of their space chicken friend, Niblet, Korn foils the ghosts, and reveals that Father Maxi was actually creating the illusion of translucent pirates. This is demonstrated by shining a flashlight through cotton swabs, and making spooky sounds with a cup of Swiss cheese.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
While in his ED-209 costume, his legs were bound by towlines from tiny spaceships, then he was brought to the ground and fatally fired upon.
Obligatory Lesson:
JONATHAN: ...You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but really we're just normal guys. And we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real, when actually, they were just cotton swabs. So I guess the lesson is: it's easy to perceive something some way, and then be wrong. So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive.
References

Episode 310: Chinpoko Mon
Premiere:
November 3, 1999
Plot:
The kids in South Park have fallen victim to the latest fad: Chinpoko Mon, a Japanese cartoon/toy line/video game. The adults are concerned about the odd behavior of the children, who have started speaking in Japanese and resembling anime characters. It is soon discovered that Chinpoko Mon is actually a ploy by the Japanese to overthrow the American government with a loyal horde of brainwashed child-soldiers. To avoid fighting a war against Japan and their own children, the adults cleverly show interest in Chinpoko Mon, making it desperately uncool for the kids.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Went into a seizure while playing the Chinpoko Mon video game, and eventually devoured from the inside by rats.
Obligatory Lesson:
STAN: ...this whole Chinpoko Mon thing happened because we all followed the group. We only liked Chinpoko Mon because everybody else did. And look at the damage it caused.
KYLE: So now I should stop liking Chinpoko Mon because you all don't.
STAN: ...Yeah.
KYLE: But if I stop now, I'd just be going with the group again. So, to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya.
STAN: Oh, wait... Actually, I was wrong. You see, Kyle, I learned something, ...just now. It is good to go with the group. A group mentality is healthy sometimes.
KYLE: Aw, screw it! I'm too confused.
References

Episode 313: Hooked on Monkey Phonics
Premiere:
November 10, 1999
Plot:
The kids from South Park Elementary enter a spelling bee, and lose to the only two kids in town that are home-schooled: Mark and Rebecca. After the exposure to other children, Mark asks to go to public school, where he is berated by his classmates because of his social ineptitude. Meanwhile, Kyle instructs Rebecca on the ways of love. He asks her to the "Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance" at school, where the other boys are planning on further humiliation for Mark. When Rebecca arrives at the dance looking like a miniature prostitute, Mark personally attacks Kyle, which earns him the respect of his peers.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Beaten to death by Cartman's phonics monkey.
Obligatory Lesson:
MARK: ...public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills; they have to learn them themselves, and the only place to do that is on the playground, in the cafeteria, and so on...
References

Episode 311: Starvin' Marvin in Space
Premiere:
November 17, 1999
Plot:
An alien from the planet Marklar lands in Ethiopia, but is eaten by lions when he tries to communicate with them. Starvin' Marvin finds the abandoned ship, and goes flying into space, and back down to South Park to visit his foster parents: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny. He takes them on a trip to the planet Marklar, and they find that the planet would be an ideal environment for Marvin's family and neighbors. The CIA wants to stop them, because the ship contains large amounts of plutonium. The "600 Club" wants to send missionaries to Marklar to "save" the heathen aliens. And, of course, Sally Struthers needs to keep the Ethiopians on Earth to maintain her food supply. They all end up on Marklar, and the boys help them realize that the Ethiopians deserve to live there, with no further interference from Struthers or the church.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Sealed in carbonite (he's not actually dead, just in hibernation).
Obligatory Lesson:
KYLE (speaking in Marklar's language): ...I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here, because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklar to try and force marklars to believe their marklar. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. So, they must come here, to Marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper, without any marklars, marklars, or marklars!
MARKLAR: Young marklar, your marklars are wise and true.
References

Episode 314: The Red Badge of Gayness
Premiere:
November 24, 1999
Plot:
South Park holds a Civil War re-enactment, and the boys are cast as the fife-and-drum corps. Cartman's percussion stylings are deemed inappropriate, so he decides to play General Robert E. Lee. Instead of losing that battle yet again, Cartman leads the Confederate players to victory, while they drink plenty of S'more Schnapps. He then leads them across the South, reclaiming the cities and forts that were lost to the Union. He finally marches them to Washington, where he demands sovereignty for the Confederacy. Before President Clinton gets to sign the treaty, Stan and Kyle dress up as Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis. Davis surrenders to Lincoln on the condition of more schnapps for the Confederate army. The troops are happy, but Cartman is left defeated.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Hit by a warning flare.
Obligatory Lesson:
KYLE: ...You can't rewrite history. You see, history is forever, and everything happens for a reason. Sure, you can try to change the past, but usually you... (CARTMAN runs off).
References

Episode 315: Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
Premiere:
December 1, 1999
Plot:
Mr. Hankey hosts a collection of ten vignettes featuring the cast of "South Park" performing Christmas songs. Included are new interpretations of classic songs, and two entirely new songs: "Christmastime In Hell" by Satan and "Merry F**king Christmas" by Mr. Garrison. One of the vignettes is a lounge act by Jesus and Santa Claus, singing songs about themselves.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Crushed by a falling chandelier.
References

Episode 316: Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus
Premiere:
December 29, 1999
Plot:
On the eve of the millennium, Cartman announces that he has gotten his period, and therefore has entered puberty. Actually, it was rectal bleeding resulting from a colon infection. Kenny gets his "period" too, and they plan a New Year's celebration alone. Feeling left out, Kyle lies about getting his period, and joins their "goddess" club. Stan decided to go to Dr. Mephesto for hormones, in order to speed up his development. Meanwhile, the world is focused on South Park, since Jesus resides there. To appease people's expectations of the millennium, Jesus puts on a concert in Las Vegas with Rod Stewart. After a disappointing show, the crowd demands to see God. "He" arrives in the form of a short, ugly beast, and grants the crowd the answer to one question. Stan asks why he hasn't gotten his period, and God explains the whole situation, then disappears for another 2000 years.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Plugged his rectum with a tampon and "burst from the inside-out like a ruptured septic tank."
Obligatory Lesson:
JESUS: If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves. Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems, and growing and learning from obstacles. If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point to our existence.
References

Episode 317: Worldwide Recorder Concert
Premiere:
January 12, 2000
Plot:
The third grade class of South Park elementary is invited to play "My Country 'Tis of Thee" ("God Save the Queen" for you Brits) at the "4 Million Child Blow 2000" event. When he hears that it's in Arkansas, Mr. Garrison tries to get out of the trip, to avoid contact with his estranged family. After Mr. Mackey forces him to confront his problems, Mr. Garrison reunites with his parents. He tells his father that he has emotional problems because he didn't molest him as a child, giving him a poor self-image. Meanwhile, Cartman is in search of a note on the recorder that causes people to lose control of their bowels. After he finds it, the boys change the sheet music for the song, and the note gets played on 4 million recorders, causing a worldwide pants-pooping. Before they return to South Park, Mr. Garrison is finally molested by who he thinks was his father, but was actually saxophonist Kenny G. The boys feel vindicated by their accomplishment, and Mr. Garrison has overcome his depression.
Kenny's Cause of Death:
Over-defecation.
Obligatory Lesson:
STAN: ...we were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids, that we forgot: we're already totally cool, even if we don't know what "queef" means.
MR. MACKEY: A queef is a vaginal expulsion of gas, m'kay?
References

If you find any errors in this guide, please email corrections to me. I will verify any corrections sent and update the guide as soon as possible.

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Last updated on January 24, 2000

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